The Quest for Sunriseinsurance Day 16

Vera Siti

Yesterday was not what I had expected.  I felt like the whole day was moving from shrink to shrink.  She said I needed to calm my mind.  She said that I was too angry.  It’s hard.  She expects me to open up to these people – she expects me to solve what she refers to as deep-seated issues before I can do anything else, before I can even learn to fight.  She says I won’t defeat anyone with anger.  It is so infuriating, but that’s probably counter-productive.

“Miss Siti, breakfast will be served in fifteen minutes.”  Without a doubt it was of the many maids I’d seen tiptoeing about the house, afraid to make a sound.  “Thank you, I’m up.”  I get up and open the cupboard.  Oh, I’m sorry, the armoire.  Great all white.  I look in my backpack, there’s a relatively clean pair of black jeans and a faded Metallica shirt my Dad got me when I was a teenager.  I know it’s outdated, but the one good thing about my Dad was his taste in music.  But, unfortunately it stopped there.  Anyway, I put on my boots – I don’t bother lacing them up – and head to the room where Miss Stone and I first met.  She’s told me to call her Venus, but I simply can’t wrap my head around it (that she even has a first name or the propensity to wear her hair down, for that matter).

I walk in and I can see the disappointment, but it doesn’t stop there, “Vera, you are undergoing a transformation – body and mind.  I am trying to help you.  You need to know what it feels like to be out of your comfort zone.  If it’s not black, it must be white,” she gestured from me to her, “you have to be able to take a different role from tortured teenager and tortured lover.  Do you understand what that means?”

It hits me.  I have to sort out my baggage to do the job at hand.  “I’m in.”

“Good.  Keep the clothes.  Maybe it will help you be more accessible for therapy.  Let’s eat.”  I looked at the tray.  It was nothing like the breakfast I had ever known.  Breakfast had always consisted of black coffee and a cigarette, well at least from the age of 16, prior to that I would eat a bowl of cereal and my Mom would make me pancakes on my birthdays (and that one time at Shift’s house).  So my stomach turned when I looked at a pink, ripe grapefruit, 2 fluffy poached eggs and a side of spinach.  I reach for the coffee.  “May my alter ego smoke?”  I look at her as though I’m pleading.  “I don’t see why not.”  I pull my box out of my pocket and light one.  I relax as the smoke fills my lungs.  I finish my coffee and it’s time to eat.

…

It takes about 45 minutes for me to finish my breakfast and when we’re done Miss Stone says, “You are now off to see Dr Johnston.  He’s excellent.  Ms Bard may not have worked so well for you yesterday but I think he can help, he has an excellent understanding of the human mind.”  We walk down a long hallway and through a beautiful courtyard to a set of white French doors where, presumably Dr Johnston stands, “Hi Vera, come in.  I’m Dr Johnston.”  He speaks with a thick Southern drawl, it’s quite musical.  I like it.  I walk in and turn around to look for Miss Stone, but she’s gone.  “Take a seat,” he says.  I position myself comfortably in one of the large leather armchairs.  I can smell the jasmine growing in the courtyard.  It’s delightful.

“You can call me Frank,” Dr Johnston says as he takes a seat opposite me.  “So, Vera, how are you finding it here?”

“Well, it’s beautiful.  But, bizarre.  It’s so far-removed from everything I know.  I’m being trained to be something I’m not.  I have an armoire full of white clothes and I’m eating breakfast and having people like you to pick my brain apart.”

“But, Vera, don’t you understand that we are hoping to train up a part of who you are?  Don’t you understand that this is what it takes to fulfil your dream?  And your dream is a part of you.  Take this, it will help you to gain clarity.”  He hands me a blue pill.

“I never looked at it that way.  So why do I need to see you?  And why do I need this pill?”  I take it from his hands.

“We need to gain an understanding of why you work the way you do.  Why are you so hell-bent on revenge, for instance?  We need to work on your anger.  I need to help you to control it.  You need to address long-standing emotional problems.  This is the only way you will succeed at your mission.  Take the pill, it will help you gain insight, as will it us.”

“Why doesn’t Miss Stone want anything in return?”  As much as I could see meaning in what he was saying, this was the only thing on my mind – when was it that she would want the favour returned?  I take the pill.

“Because she thinks you might succeed at something she never could.  But enough of that.  What are you most afraid of?”

I pause.  I have to think long.  I had already lost so much.  “Nothing.”  The pill is doing nothing.

He doesn’t even feign surprise; it’s as if he already knows this.  “What were you afraid of, Vera?”

This time I don’t have to think.  I’m starting to feel clearer, more focused – almost robotic.  I have to answer these questions truthfully.  I can feel it means something.  “Betrayal.  By loved ones.  That they would leave me.  And they did.  Every time,” now it was pouring out, “every time, I came to work my Dad wouldn’t greet me.  He did for the first two days, but then it stopped.  I didn’t see him at home and I didn’t see him at work.  He told me to cheat and lie for him and then send the money upstairs.  I couldn’t bear it.  And then I met Sunriseinsurance – and when I woke up, he was gone.  He had left me.  Then they betrayed him.  So I thought we would fight together, but he went his own way.  He betrayed me, not once, but twice.  And that’s it.  What else is there to fear?  I’ve lost the people I love and now I have nothing to fear. Nothing.”

“Good.” Frank looked me straight in the eye.  “Fear will get you nowhere, Vera, or this will just become another suicide mission.”

I looked him straight in the eye, “Well, I’m not afraid.”

“Good.  What of your Mother?  You never talk about her.”

“My Mother was weak.  I suppose like I was once.  She chose a life of servitude.  She loved me, yes.  But, I don’t know that I ever bought that she loved my Father.  She just withstood him.  For me, I guess.  But, I would have been so much happier if she left.  If she fought.  She cooked and cleaned.  Even though we had more servants anyone could ever ask for.  I guess she felt that was her place.  In the end they had separate rooms.  Although I don’t think he ever cheated.  Unless you count his affair with money.  I don’t know why I ended up working for him.  It seemed like the only choice – everyone was always hell-bent on pleasing Vini Siti.   God, he even had a gangster name.  And Viola and I, his two pretty ladies, sat quietly in the background watching the corruption unfold.  I refused to give in.  And when I met Sunriseinsurance – well – that was the last straw…  I’d like for my Mom to see the light.  But, she is so fragile.  And I don’t know how much it will take.”

“What do you think it will take?”

“I think she needs to be taken away from my Father.  And I think she needs to see how the casino is run.”

“What of your mission?  What does it mean for your Father?”

“I don’t know.  Sunriseinsurance will try turn his casino around.  As he’s done with the others.  Of course, I have to get to the others first.”

“And what will you do?”

“Punish them.”

“How?”

“The only way I can see is to kill them.  So many people have lost their livelihoods because of them.”  I didn’t know if I should be saying this.  I shrugged.

“And your Father?”

“Him too.”  I was crying.

“Good that’s enough for one day.”

“I think we’re done for the day,” Frank reiterated.  Miss Stone led me out, I’m not quite sure how she got there but she had simply arrived.  “Are you ready for some yoga and meditation?”

“Um, okay.”  By the time we were greeting a small Indian man dressed in all in white (this seemed to be a trend here); I had come to realize that the blue pill was not candy.  I felt light, transparent.  But my mind was steady.  No more racing thoughts.  “I see you gave her the blue candy?”  Pritpal Singh said in the most beautiful accent.  “I hate it when those doctors think you cannot deal with real life now, it drives me crazy.”  He paused and looked at me.  “This may take a while.  We’re going to have to work through the drug, then the emotions, that means lots of exercise.  Are you ready?”

This was yoga like I’d never heard of.  He made me run around dancing for 30 minutes.  I jumped, I laughed; it felt fantastic. “You have a lot of energy blocked in your third chakra; this is at your navel – where you store anger.  To be able to succeed on your mission you energy must flow naturally along your spine.  You cannot hold on to your anger.”

He makes me do so many exercises to clear my third chakra and open up the heart.  I can feel the little blue pill is wearing off but I don’t care.  Pritpal makes me laugh.  For the first time in a long time (in a long time) I am laughing.  I’ve been lying on my back; my mind is still when he tells me, “It’s time to meditate.”

Pritpal told me we would be doing a meditation for, “tremendous strength.”  I love the way he said that.  I sit, as instructed, with my fingers touching, pointing towards the ceiling (in a tee-pee-like structure).  My thumbs do not touch at all and my middle and index fingers only have light contact.  “Apply maximum pressure on ring and baby fingers,” says Pritpal.  I do just that.  My eyes are closed and I’m breathing deeply.  “Concentrate,” Pritpal whispers.  I focus on my hands.

Eight minutes later.  Pritpal commands me to “streeetch arms high overhead and breathe in.  Hold in and stretch.  Exhale and relax down.  Well done!  How you feel?”

“Invigorated.”

“Eeexcellent.  We have accomplished much, your tummy is not in so many knots and you are strong.  Come, now we sing a song.  Put your hands in prayer pose.  May the long-time sun shine upon you.  All love surround you, and the pure light within you – guide your way on.  Sat nam.”

“Pritpal.  You must know my mission.  Is it possible a pure light guides me?  I feel like I’m shrouded in darkness.”

“Only you can answer that, do the meditation every day.  The answer will come.  For what it’s worth, Miss Siti, I have faith you will make the right choice…  Oh, Miss Stone.”

“Hello, Pritpal. Vera, how are you feeling?”

“Good, thank you for this.”  But, I knew Pritpal had raised more questions.  And I needed answers…